Doing Magic

It’s odd that we only ever half believe what we’re seeing sometimes. Hindsight is 20-20, but in the now a lot is happening right under our own noses, moreover there’s a lot we’re making happen and completely unaware until we look back and see ourselves doing magic.

Sometime during my revelation experience, I was made aware that the completion of my journey toward enlightenment involved another. A destined mate. And I was given a name for this mysterious hero, supposedly to be meaningful in revealing his identity. “Billy the Kid”. It was made apparent to me that I had reached a certain point in terms of my soul evolution which I would pass only when I had met an united with this “Kid”. Well… I was young, I was on the brink of seeing my most treasured dream come true! I was eager to find this mate, right away!

The faithful in me started by believing there was no need to search, he was coming to find me and would arrive momentarily. The moment stretched somewhat… and by the end of weeks without the hint of a sign, I became… anxious. But ever to be a faithful one, trusting in my universe and believing my destiny, I figured it must be that I had yet to do something in the manner of knowing what to look for. I began consulting oracles for clues to the identity of this special person. One such Oracle, answering the question of where I could go in order to meet Billy, revealed an image of a city skyline that was in the immediate vicinity. I have recently discovered that the town just beyond that skyline has the same name as the place where I ultimately did meet him, nearby the place he has lived all his life, and the oldest building in the skyline bears his initials, however this was over a decade before we met and I certainly couldn’t have guessed his identity from any of those things at the time.

Some months later in an unrelated conversation with friends one of them revealed that he was involved in the construction of one of the buildings in the skyline and that he used to eat his lunch on the top of that building. I was immediately gobsmacked and thought this was it. I had never previously felt any kind of attraction towards this friend and we had been friends for some time. At one stage, he was driving me home from our mutual friends house every night and had always been 100% kind and gentlemanly toward me but I had never even given him a second look the whole time. Upon this revelation I did notice for the first time that I found him reasonably attractive, he was also quite intelligent, masculine and charming. Given that his qualities were substantial for my tastes and he had spontaneously announced himself connected to the Oracle prediction, I figured that I had met my match. I set about in pursuit of the target.

Over the following months, I made many misguided attempts at connecting with “Boots” on a deeper level. Nothing ever came of it. He didn’t like that I smoked cigarettes and spent more hours in contemplation than conversation. Though I’m certain there was a superficial attraction going both ways between us, it never amounted to anything. A year on, we had gone our separate ways and lost contact.

Still convinced that Boots was the person I needed to connect with to complete my enlightenment and frustrated by my failure to achieve a connection, I tried further consulting of Oracles and mystic methods, to secure the identity of the one, guided by my higher self. On one occasion I was prompted while passing a still wet newly poured patch of concrete path to write the name of my destined mate in the concrete. As I knelt down I thought to write Boots, by the time I’d reached out my hand I had decided to write Billy but when my hand touched the material I felt suddenly compelled to write another word, “Fish”,  and I followed it with a smiley face. The year was 1994, texting and digital messaging was of a, then, unknown and unimagined future, at the time a smiley face was quite a random and unusual thing to be signing off with in writing. Many years later, after actually meeting my true other half and completely without any prior recollection of this event, I was running along that path on the way to pay a nostalgic visit to my old home and as I passed the spot was spontaneously reminded that I once wrote something there. I located my mark in the concrete and was stunned to recall that this was the name of “Billy”, a word that he had, only a short time before, used to describe himself in a digital media message signed off with a smiley face! In 1994 I left myself a message, exactly where I could read it 20 years later, pointing me to examine and recognise the meaning of the profound meeting I had just had with my real Twin. And to think, in 1994, I had written it off as another failure, forgotten about it and moved on to another attempt to mystically divine the path to him.

Ultimately, nothing ever came of me and Boots. This is probably for the best as I now realise it was likely I simply manufactured feelings for him in the hope of obtaining my promised stepping stone to further enlightenment. I was obsessed with my ambition to ascend and, in hindsight, think perhaps I sought to use him rather than love him. I’m glad I never got the chance, as hard as I tried, and it took me years to finally give up.

My pursuit of Boots actually lead me to my husband, in no uncertain terms. I literally used an affirmation method to find him, though in my conscious mind undeniably I intended to find Boots. I affirmed that I would walk to my husband, and when I stopped walking, my husband would appear. This is the literal and absolute truth. I did this, and then set out walking. I walked an entire day and into the night. There was an afternoon storm. The rain was particularly heavy and deep mud puddles formed in the places I went to, and I kept walking, determined and faithful. I walked deliberately near places I expected I could happen across the path of Boots, but I did not see a sign of him even once. By late evening I was tired, wet cold and hungry and by chance noticed that I was near the home of a friend whom I knew would be happy to welcome me unannounced. I went to her house and knocked on the door.

My friend lived with two other people who I also knew. One I once went to school with and was my neighbour when I was 12. The other I knew to be gay and had recently heard on the grapevine that he had a new boyfriend. When I got there my friend welcomed me in and went to make a coffee. Sitting on the lounge, in a classy robe, was a handsome young man I had never met. The circumstances appeared to suggest that this was the new boyfriend I had heard about. I greeted him and went to drink coffee with my friend. After coffee, the guys offered me a lift home and I accepted gratefully. I accepted a hug (this was pretty standard in my group of friends) and a gift of cigarettes from the “new boyfriend”, on the way home, and thereafter didn’t see him again for several months.

One day, while meeting friends for lunch in the mall I happened to meet with this “new boyfriend” guy again. In my ear I heard a commanding voice which told me that in ten years, he would be the only person of that entire group of some 20 friends who would be in my life. My immediate thought, still believing he was unavailable to women romantically, was that we would be best friends and room mates or something like that. Compelled by a higher urge, I took his hand and held it. There was no prelude to this and he did not invite it in any way. I simply did it and he simply accepted it and we walked together hand in hand to the place where we became room mates for several months that very day.

You have probably guessed, the “new boyfriend” guy became my husband. Yes, I did eventually find out he wasn’t gay and we did finally marry. But only many years later, we didn’t even really strike up a relationship from this meeting.

It was at least a year later and shortly after I had moved to a place of particular spiritual significance for me and ended a short relationship with another boyfriend that again by fateful event I was brought together with my husband the ultimate time which bonded us for life.

We are always doing magic. Sometimes we do it consciously and are certain we’ve failed, but every time we think, we are creating our circumstances and every time we speak, we are making things happen. My path has been littered, no, carpeted with little pieces of magic that only reveal themselves when I can look back and properly perceive their meaning. And in the end it is consistently that I have found, my magic did work.


Giving Up – The Low Lows

It has been weeks since we’ve had any contact, and there’s no hint of that changing in the foreseeable future. I do need to accept that for what it is. And as much as I know these feelings are real and mutual – after all you said it first – the rest is only in my head and can’t stay there. I wish you so well, even though surely you must find it hard to be well under the circumstances. And I wish you success in all you’re wanting to achieve, with deepest sincerity, because I just Love you, nothing changes that a skerrick. Not even this: I am giving up. I want to stop thinking of you. I want your name to stop appearing everywhere and your voice to stop haunting me. I want to feel like I could care for another. And I want the beauty we have forsaken to not be quite so beautiful, the feelings I need to push aside to not be quite so exquisite and the happiness I’ll, now, never have to be not so joyful. If it would be easier, I could like that, I’m sure. It won’t be so easy, though. And yet, I’m still giving up. Giving up searching for signs and hope. Giving up believing there is any. I’m giving up dreaming of what might be, if you wait for me in the night, I won’t come because I have given up. I can not stop loving you. I tried… I waited for it to go away like it naturally should. It’s stupid that it won’t go away, what’s keeping it here? Not you. Not me, it’s bothering me, I’d rather it gone like the unfortunate ache it is. And I said to myself that you had better be feeling it too; something like this is not for a person to endure alone. But then I’d wish to soothe you of it, so perhaps don’t. I need no more reasons that I might run to your side, that’s for certain. And so, I am that. I am that notch in your belt, that entry in your list, unremarkable among the backdrop of many, unremembered, not the first, not the last. Just a one, of no substantial note. May I fade quickly and leave no trace.


What is a Twin Flame

I won’t bore you with a cut and paste rehash of the tons on tons of information about this which can be found across the internet. I’ve read just about all of it, you’ve probably read all of it, and let’s face it, even after all that we still don’t really know all that much, do we? Perhaps I can’t tell you anything a Twin Flame is that you don’t already know, so I’ll tell you about mine. The person whose presence in my life is the only reason I even took notice of such an eccentric concept as a Twin Flame, the person whom without having met I would never have contemplated even entertaining such a fanciful idea.

I did not, in any way or measure, anticipate the arrival of such a person in my life when he so suddenly landed there. In hindsight, there was a veritable inundation of signs and portends that, had I read accurately, certainly should have alerted me to the imminence of his arrival but I largely ignored and misread these to the point that when the moment did come, I was taken completely by surprise and in a moment of distraction by any number of other things.

In that first, fleeting but magical moment, I, my ego, did not comprehend what was happening at all. My mind ran its expectations and preconceptions roughshod over the subtle soul quickening that was triggered. To my ego, it meant the things I was thinking before and nothing new, but here I was locked in a deep gaze with a complete stranger reading a long story of waiting and hoping pouring out from his soul and thinking nothing of it. Still, I should qualify that, reading people is what I have always done, I am no stranger to knowing a person’s feelings and thoughts through their expression and eyes. This was not an unusual thing for me and so, unlike it may be for others, a soul rushing out to greet me through a person’s eyes is not a sign of anything special or unusual about a relationship in my experience. Thus, at this point I, my ego, saw nothing of unique value in the meeting and ignored the strangely erratic behaviour of my soul which, contrarily, danced out of the room holding the memory in her hands like it was the greatest treasure in existence.

I wasn’t anticipating the arrival of any such a person in my life, though I certainly should have been, the signs were there, without a doubt. My short marriage to the man I had loved for half of my life, had hit rock bottom. Between an affair and some feelings of contempt for me I confess, I don’t truly understand, he had seen fit earlier that year to ask me for a mutual separation. My heart was broken and I cried at least a billion tears in the aftermath. But still, never one to admit defeat, I fought the losing battle and clung to the love if my life by a thin thread. He claims, in retrospect, that I was winning, I know, in truth irrefutable, I wasn’t. There was no winning for this relationship. His deep urge to pull away continually resurfaced and his most honest desire was to seek elsewhere the happiness he felt deep down that he could never have with me. I have resolved beyond resenting this fact now, and I will admit, before I was driven quite hysterical with jealous feelings against the one whom he could be happy with. I mean, why not me? Why? How? In what universe could my years of sacrifice, dedication and unwavering devotion not be enough to ensure his fulfillment in the relationship? In what way did my continued loving, giving and sharing not inspire true commitment? What could another person possibly do or be that could elicit a greater devotion from him? I didn’t know, and I didn’t care to. I had done all the groundwork and I had borne all the painful years with undying adoration, I deserved the best him and there was nothing else for it. Anything less would be met with my wrath and unmatched determination to conquer, and would fall at the hands of my fierce will eventually. I won a lot of battles this way, my resolve is as formidable an opponent as you’ll ever meet and if I make up my mind to have a certain thing my way, it finds a method to achieve this. For the years of my relationship with this man I poured the most of my energy into keeping and securing that relationship, against great odds. I am now at peace with the truth of it, though. He could not have true happiness with me. This is something that comes from the soul, and our souls, though fond of each other, were constantly in a state of unease with the arrangement, knowing, as we surely did, that one day our bond must move aside and make way for greater destiny. We’d like to believe our break up was mutual and without unpleasantness. In fact, if you asked, I’m quite sure that’s what he would tell you. And it’s true, of course, to the extent that our soul contract was fulfilled and our mutual karma resolved. To the degree that we don’t have any unfinished business between us and feel at this moment, actualized as individuals fully and completely outside the relationship. But in the sense that, one might infer,our break up didn’t cause us any pain it is not so true. There was anger and bitterness and lashing out, make no mistake. Our breakup was a normal, usual, gloriously human mess.

My husband is one of my soul mates and our relationship was destined, prompted to begin by nudges from my higher self and synchronicity that will make your head spin when you hear them. But I need to start that story a little further in the past and it is such a long digression I’ll have to save it for another post. Suffice it now to say, I should have known from the mere fact of such a fated and critical relationship in my life coming to an end, that Destiny was again on my horizon, but I didn’t. Sign number one that I glanced over carelessly.

In the months leading up to meeting this person, my soul’s eternal counterpart (so she claims most indignantly), I dreamed of being loved so dearly and passionately by a young man that there was no past experience in my life that could begin to match it. In my dreams I had a love so pure and perfect that just thinking of it in my waking hours brought a tear of happiness to my eyes. I knew my husband didn’t love me this much, by a long stretch of difference. To wit, he was currently engaged in an affair and was “letting me down slowly”. In truth, we were already over, I was holding on to nothing. And my dreams were comforting me with the fantasy notion that I could be loved that much, by someone. But it was just that, I was sure, just a fantasy. Love wasn’t really like that. Still, my soul named the fantasy our “passionate boy” and I wished such a person would come into my life. This dream reoccurred several times and I took no sign from it that there was any real chance it could come true. This was sign number two, glazed over and quickly forgotten.

The third sign was truly remarkable and unexpected. Something that had happened once before in my life and I would never have guessed in a million years would ever happen again. A year before my husband and I got together I was with him and a group of friends just meeting up for lunch in a local street mall. He was basically a stranger to me, having met him briefly only once before. From nowhere and unexpectedly a voice came to my ear and said – in ten years from now, all these people will be gone from your life, except him. He will be your best friend and the only one still there. Go to him. – it was the most absurd and remarkable thing ever because ten years later there we were, of all those people who were my friends that day, the only one left in my life was him. But our relationship didn’t form then and there on that day. In fact I thought the message just meant we would be friends and we didn’t get together until more than a year later, after this day was long forgotten. I didn’t recall that message until ten years later, we were going through a break up, the voice came back and reminded me who he was and urged me to fight to keep him and I would win. I followed the instruction a second time and a second time, it proved true.

I never thought I would hear that voice again, but it knocked a third time. Just a few days before I met the man I have come to know is my Twin Flame. My husband (still, but only just) had gotten a few friends together for drinks. There was one guy and a few girls and me. Late in the night the guy and my husband and I were gathered in the kitchen clearing up some leftovers at the end of the night and the voice came to my ear. It said – this time next year, your husband will no longer be in your life, and he (the other guy) will be in his place. Pursue him. – to say the least, I was shocked. I was still fighting to keep my dead relationship with my husband and frankly wanted to call bullsh#@ on the very notion. Yet for some unexplainable reason I knew better than to doubt this voice so I made to pursue, as advised. And it was the very first time I did that it happened. I saw what I thought was him standing with his back to me and so I went right up to him wearing my brightest smile and ready to “play this game” but when he turned around, it was not him but his twin brother standing there inches from me and looking right into my eyes.

Instantly I knew it was a different person. I hadn’t seen these eyes before, I hadn’t met this soul before. Looking back I can see the voice set me up for that meeting. Told me what to wear, how to approach and what to be. In that simple word “pursue” that voice had thrown me blind but perfectly prepared into my first reunion with my Twin Flame. Had I read the sign right, I would have known it was coming, but I read it wrong, and actually that couldn’t have been more right.

The alchemists say that the voice of God knocks three times on the door of the seeker. The first time as the father, then as the Son and at last as the Holy Spirit. On this last knock, the New soul is born and the liberating Alchemy has reached its peak stage. I have been a seeker from birth. When I was 16 my friends were visited by the spirit of a two to three year old boy who told them he belonged with me. My twin was that age at that time. When my twin was 10 I discovered Alchemy and asked for the ingredients for Alchemical gold to be given to me in a dream. One of the ingredients was a ten year old boy who, strangely, loved me. When I was 18 it was revealed to me in my spiritual awakening that before could reach enlightenment I must find the mate who is destined to go with me. I wrote a word in concrete 20 years ago which I was to believe would reveal his identity to me. I had completely forgotten this until this year when I happened to be running by that place and remembered I wrote something there. And when I saw what it was and was reminded in that moment what it was supposed to mean, the impact was staggering. My twin flame had called himself that to me only weeks before.

So what is a Twin Flame? Well to me it is the one that my entire life has been preparing me for, a destiny so deep and profound that it has been calling to me forever, so resoundingly that I can still see the echoes of it in my past. It is a gift so special that the voice of God knocked on my door directly to grant it. And it is a person, for whom my love is so deep and unfathomable that words can never describe.


My journey did not start with the unexpected encounter of the other half of my soul, that night, but many years before, perhaps even before I was born. Yes, that’s most true, I think. I was born a seeker, from the youngest age I can remember I wanted just to know the secrets of the universe and bring enlightenment to the world. I have never known a deeper or more passionate purpose.

As a young person, I struggled with this calling. It frustrated me to no end that others could simply and plainly articulate their dream ambition while I, though considered bright, stuttered and failed to find the words to explain the vision of future me seeded in my head. In my first encounter with spiritual revelation I took solace in the notion that perhaps my purpose was so unique and pioneering that no words yet existed for it. And hence, if so, it was not *my* failure that it was never able to be shared.

I drove my mother somewhat crazy with my confusion as a young teen. Asking her repeatedly what is it I should “be” now I’m charged to decide. She gave the same comforting yet infuriatingly hollow reply each time – “you can be anything you want to be” . In spite if her honourable and encouraging intent, it was not the answer I wanted. Unconsciously I was probing her for her wisdom, words to describe it that surely she must know, having more years of experience. And maybe she did have words that she was too disciplined to say, because of her firm belief that it was not her place to choose for me or impose any personal expectation on my freedom to manifest my full potential. In hindsight, I cannot fault her approach. Though it was a source of great frustration for me at the time.

My adventurous spirit lead me to a risk taking young lifestyle. I tried a little of everything on offer, some of it pleasant and some not. I choose not to regret any of it. I can qualify this with the statement that it made me what I am today but even that seems unnecessary now. It simply was unbridled experience and that is infinitely better than none.

My first major spiritual awakening began when I was 18. This is the first contact I had with my higher self and her guidance/ influence in my life. Before this it would be fair to describe me as a mystic of sorts. I read Oracles and was comfortable with my experiences of prophetic dreams and signs. I was aware of soul connections with a number of important acquaintances in my life. With one, I even shared a telepathic connection which we had mutually acknowledged and used to win at Card games.. So when this revelation experience dawned for me, I was the least surprised. It seemed, for someone like me, this surely must have been inevitable.

The revelation began with a gentle message from my higher self, a nudge to pay attention and notice that I was surrounded by angels calling me to my true purpose. This purpose was neither physical, nor intellectual, but rather somewhere between, where the world is destined to go. Symbols for the physical and mental realm were given to me as the colours red and blue, respectively, and hence the in between world, the destiny of all of us, was the blending of these two on the spectrum, the “purple”. In the purple, all is known, past present future and all possibilities of them. It was given to me to access this knowledge was quite simply a matter of opening ones mind, freed of pretense, expectation or any presumption of former wisdom. In this state ones mind becomes as pure white light, innocent and curious like a new baby’s. To return ones mind to this state and “shine” the pure “wanting to know” from your soul onto the world between the physical and the mental was taught to me as the way to gain access to all the information and guidance I would ever need to bring me to enlightenment. It seemed all too promising and nice, so of course I began immediately with fervour seeking this new path.

At the time I also was blessed with a temporary ability to see auras. I believe now that this was so I could perceive the existence of purple crowns, specific aura features which looked like purple and gold streams attached to the heads of certain people, and understand what unique qualities about these people were evident in their connection to this future world. The purple crowns were artists mostly, and children. From this I gathered that artistic expression is most sympathetic in mode to the future world, as well as childlike imaginative expression. It later became all too evident that art is the self same nature as the purple, it’s language and its reality. And moreover, through our artistic expression and with the help of children bringing fresh imagination to the world each generation we bring this world out of the shadows and into ours.

And, so patently consistent with this truth, of course, it was through music that I first encountered my soul reaching across time and space, demanding my attention and calling me to fulfill my deep purpose.

I think perhaps all seekers have discovered this at some time in their journey. Art and music speaks to us, *personally* to us. But perhaps not all realise, as I did not understand either at first, that this voice is your own soul. It is *you* calling you to recognise who you are, you are the world, one with the universe, and exist not only here in your head but everywhere in time and space in many selves all working harmoniously to the same purpose of realising your potential as a soul with a body and a moment here in this grand creation we call life.

Seeing this truth could make one crazy, if we fail to realise the purpose of it is to reconnect us with our whole, powerful, self of oneness with creation. In our ego filter of “me and you” duality it is natural to assume that it is “others” who are reaching out to us and this will manifest frustration when we try to reach back and find that these others are unaware of any such connection with our person. This is as it should be because it is for the seeker to recognise their self in the others and acknowledge and come to terms with the infiniteness of ones soul.

My revelation lead me to discover the writing of Jane Roberts in the Seth Material. This book appeared to me as pure synchronicity as when I picked it up and claimed it I had no knowledge or even inkling of its contents. I was simply drawn to it from my soul and listening to the guidance of my higher self in conscious ignorance of any egoic pretext for choosing a thing to read, cracked it open and was transformed from inside.

The Seth Material discusses the ideas of oneness with All That Is, creating our own experience through beliefs and intent and probable selves of the soul. I was gobsmacked by the implications of this. Could I really bring to reality whatever I desired through mastery of the ego? I set about quickly to find out and soon had a small swag of confirmations notched up. Sometimes I thought I wanted riches and fame but in truth, I never possessed enough passion for these to remain focused and build the momentum of intent and expectation required. Sooner or later my attention would invariably turn to the ills of the world, madness, injustice and the desperate need for some magic and divine intervention down here to make things a bit more beautiful for everyone.

And so with my eyes to the hills, intending, more passionately than anything, to manifest my deep purpose of bringing some light to the world I dreamed of enlightenment and liberation. The long road which brought me here.

The Meeting

At 7pm on September 16 2013. I first looked into his eyes. I was already excited, I had thought he was someone else I already knew and liked. when he looked back at me I could see in his eyes he was excited too. He already liked me and wanted to meet, his eyes conveyed a long time waiting and anticipating this moment, and a deep happiness that it had finally come. and something else, another thing under the surface of the interaction. the thing that now still lingers and holds my very being in a vice grip of passion and desire, a gentle quiet ‘hello’ from somewhere quite imperceptible, but real and familiar. a part of me somewhere in the quiet depths of my soul, recognised a friend and took his hand. she still has not let go but, instead, revels blissfully in her victory one moment to the next, no matter the state of me or my physical or emotional connection with the apparent source of her joy. she has him and knows him and often the source of my pain is the sheer emotional distance between my physical experience and her constant ecstatic reveling. it’s he! we are! she announces unabashed by the utter ostentatious nonsense of it in physical and intellectual counterpart. but the music and hope that springs from her transforms my physical, emotional and intellectual expression so that even though the dream of our heart is but fanciful and fraught, it is of itself a greater thing, become, through who it is making of me. and if this were all it has brought to the world that I have known such a love as this, it would be plenty and a most wonderful miracle. yet, there is also this – liberation has found me. I know immortality, inasmuch as now, contrasted by the compulsion to cling to physical life which previously felt beyond my capacity to relieve, now there is the peaceful and strange knowledge that eternity is a companionship, and not merely ‘any’ old sort of one, at that, but no, it is THE intimacy, THE togetherness of completion and perfect bliss. complex and nuanced, self regenerating and eternal to the point that you have to tear yourself away from it, as there is within it, ne’er a fleeting reason to leave. and now I know this bliss, assured of both its existence and it’s constancy at the base of my very being. knowing, moreover, that to leave this physical experience of “life” is to return ultimately to the all encompassing union of perfection, which I have tasted in his touch, I am freed from fear and doubt in my soul. I have reached a summit of emotional and intellectual revolution in which accomplishment of the greatest kind, on this plane, is unhindered for me, and to wit, not even intriguing any implication of necessity from me. if I accomplish nothing, it hurts none, and still I can and will achieve beyond everything with the most meagre of means. this is its gift, this amazing beautiful thing which has hijacked my existence to meet its own ends, to actualize its own destiny, and it’s curse. everything will now come easily and all will fall into place, and this is because all of these such desires are the lesser and inferior of the union, so that it is a frustration, but also a mighty victory, the bodhisattiva desirous of nothing but the bliss and wholeness it has forsaken, rained upon by lesser comforts of the lower planes which, to her heart, are a cruel form of torment, and to her soul, the path Home to him, to touch paradise again, Will turn this energy to the service of all that is, gratefully and serendipitously. and it may be, whilst in the midst of carrying this eternal torch on her leg of Olympus’ parade, she might receive a small reward, and touch that magic again.